Advanced Advice for The Romantically Challenged

Are you confused by the opposite sex? Do you adore them and find them endlessly frustrating all at the same time? Have you had your heart broken? Have you wanted to give someone your love but weren't sure if they were ready? Have you had someone hand their love to you and you weren't ready? Did you smother someone with so much affection they ran? Did it happen to you? Have you ever had challenges in a relationship?

Welcome to the motherfucking club!

And the best part is...there are NO RIGHT ANSWERS!! THAT is the challenge with relationships is that you are two people who are wanting to go bump in the night and along the way get to know each other. And during that process, there has been a lifetime of expectations, bad experiences, good experiences, unfulfilled desires, baggage, and 10 tons of other nonsense that have shaped the way you two are going to interact.

Not to mention...tim...ing. There is rarely a great time to meet someone that it doesn't interfere with your plans. Or that you don't quite have your shit together enough to make the impression you wish you were making. Any number of things (dog dying, knee injury, recent break-up, diarrhea) can be a mental deterrent to wanting to give the thing a try.

But try we do. Why? I really don't know. I mean, I'm 40 now, so I'm not really interested in rearing a child of my own at this point. I mean, I wanted to...big time. And if I met someone who had a kid, say...about 6 or so...I'd be down for being a part of that. But for me, other than the preparatory act of it, procreation is out as an incentive. Let's say I've been dating some one for...oh, a month, hypothetically. I've learned enough that my 2 year rule is firm. You can do sleepovers, have sex, and even say "I love you" all you want for 2 years...but no moving in, no engagements, none of that, until the 2 year mark is in the rear view mirror. Because 2 years is about the length it takes for 2 people to really get to know each other pretty well, minimum. In that time, you're going to hear them fart uncontrollably in their sleep, grind their teeth, get upset at drivers, and really really really get upset with you about something and you are going to have that one big fight that all couples need to really have.

No, not the fight about "oh, I misunderstood you because you did something that reminded me of a guy I dated 4 years ago" fight...that's early on. And, that particular one swings both ways. It's an important one, because you do this whole "I didn't know, I f***ed up, I'm sorry" and they have a chance to keep you or drop you. If they keep you, you're not on the fence...

Or they're just crazy...but let's go with the fence.

No, 2 years is the "God bless I am so sick of you constantly taking the last roll of toilet paper and using it to embalm dead birds in the back yard. And there's not one redeeming thing inside of all of that last sentence that is a keep-able thing about you!" It's the fight where one or both of you is going to have to make some sort of concession in your life simply based upon this one simple thought:

"Is this thing I like worth keeping more than this relationship?"

Because, for one or both of you, it's going to be a big big deal. You're going to have to talk to each other more, or less, or you have to give up dark beers on the weekends, or they're going to have to find a way to not work so much because it takes away from the precious little time you have in the first place.

You will get to that point about something. Usually in the first two years.

Two things...

First, be honest. I'm a die hard romantic, sensitive, nurturer...and I can "make anything work". I used to think that. "This love is more important than ____(fill in this blank with whatever makes you tick other than your gf/bf)_________". I could assign that ideal to anything. Now, not so much. There are things that are important and things that are just quirks. Every person you ever meet is going to have a series of quirks that will haunt you to your graves. So, get over them now. If they start messing, however, with the important stuff...

I'm not done with that sentence, because this is IMPORTANT! When you finally do need to talk about the important things, do it. Talk. Because nothing hurts more than having a decision rendered upon you without any discussion before hand. You never know if the important stuff is exactly that important in the "us" vs "this" battle until the battle has begun. So, while I want to say "If they start messing with the important stuff...get going", it's not true. If they start messing with the important stuff, first find out if it's important to you, and then let them know that it's important to you and that for "this" to exist is severely in the way of "us".

Second, be brave. This is a person with whom you are wanting to share the rest of your days. If you can't bring yourself to speak to them at all, then you're a puss and you suck. It's not their fault you can't talk to them, it's yours. Notable exceptions do include if they have a horrendous temper, are violent, or cry about anything. In all three of those cases, seriously, why are you still there?? Get out. Otherwise, talk.

Mostly, just be yourself. If they get you and love you, then you're okay. If you get them and love them, you're even better. They know when you're faking and they know when you're holding back, and no matter what kind of talented actor you think you are, they just know. They may not know exactly, but it prompts questions...and questions lead to assumptions and assumptions lead to misunderstandings and misunderstandings lead to fear and fear leads to distrust and there is nothing good happening here. So be yourself and talk to your partner and be okay if you're not okay.

And that's why I have the two year rule.